The Journey

In this time of sharing and giving I thought I would share a little something about me.  One of the many non-cloth related questions I get about my boys is if I used fertility drugs or not.  Well, first its none of your business and second yes I did.  Does that change your view on them or me?  It shouldn't, they are miracles in every sense of the word.  So I've decided not to hide or be embarrassed about my journey into motherhood.  Instead I'm going to share and let you all know just how thankful I am for my little boys. 

A month before my 30th birthday my husband and I decided we would start trying to have a baby.  Little did I know that only one month later I discovered I was pregnant.  I was over the moon.  SO excited.  Celebrating the holidays and New Years that year made me think of the wonderful things I would get to share with a new baby this time next year.  Not only was I pregnant, but one of my best friends was expecting as well.  Perfect!  Right away I noticed I was not sick and had twinges in my stomach.  I thought, wow I'm lucky I'm not getting the dreaded morning sickness.  After the first of the year I travelled to Los Angeles for work.  I was still only about 8 weeks pregnant, but was very excited to share the news with my LA peoples :)  Unfortunately, right in the middle of work I started to bleed heavily.  I was rushed to the emergency room.  Scared and alone I tried to think that everything would be ok.  Once the doctors had examined me I saw their faces and knew the baby was gone.  I was shocked and heartbroken.  How could this happen to me?  I felt so scared.  There was a nurse at this ER that saw I was alone and while I'm sure she had other patients to attend to she stayed with me the whole time holding my hand and giving me hugs.  This nurse went above and beyond and I will always be eternally grateful to her.

I went home sad, and tired, but determined to get right back to trying just as soon as we were given the go-ahead.  We got pregnant so quickly the first time it should be easy again, right?  Not so true.  After only a few months of trying I started to get impatient.  My cycles were sporadic or non-existent and I had trouble tracking when I was ovulating.  I started to become a woman obsessed.  Taking my temperature, peeing on sticks, taking "advantage" of my poor husband.  It was a constant thought and every waking moment was about baby.  It became an addiction.  Meanwhile my depression and my jealousy of others continued to grow.  I know they might not ever understand, but to those I hurt and shut out I am truly sorry.  That includes friends, family, and co-workers.  Not only was I obsessed, but I was a hermit.  I refused to go to baby showers, birthday parties, even a trip to the grocery store was too much for me.  As the months turned into a year I started to sink into a deep depression.  I went to work, came home, and would immediately go to sleep. 

I made an appointment with a reproductive endocrinologist or RE about 6 months after my miscarriage.  She ran all kinds of tests and said that I had PCOS (http://women.webmd.com/tc/polycystic-ovary-syndrome-pcos-topic-overview.  A very common issue that afflicts women's cycles and prevents them from releasing an egg every month.  Not a problem, we could work around it and she gave me some fertility drugs to tell my body to drop those eggies.  It wasn't working so we adjusted the dosage.  On another failed attempt I thought there must be something we were missing.  Then three days after my period was suppose to start I got a very faint line.  Hooray!  We did it.  Finally we had our rainbow baby.  We went into our appointment and again I was hit with another disappointment.  No heartbeat and very small yolk sac.  It was still early so I was told to wait and come back next week.  The chances were slim, but I for sure thought this would be our miracle.  The next week a heartbeat was found, but very low.  Again, was told to prepare for the worst and to come back next week.  After 4 more appointments the heartbeat finally slowed til it ceased.  How could this happen again?  We did nothing wrong.  What was going on?  I went home from that last appointment more depressed than I ever thought humanly possible.  It was 9pm and raining outside and I told my husband I was going for a run.  A run in the rain.  A run to tell my body to work.  A run to ask why.  A run to ask what to do.  When I got back my husband gave me an ultimatum.  Come back to the living or he would need to disengage from me.  I wasn't the only one suffering.  So was he.  I made an appointment to see a therapist the next day.  I know it sounds dramatic, but that is what happened.

So back to the drawing board.  After nine weeks my body would not miscarry so I was forced to go into surgery to have him or her removed.  Even typing that seems so wrong.  My RE suggested some more blood work to test for any chromosome abnormalities.  There in one simple test we found our problem.  I was a balanced translocation carrier (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chromosomal_translocation).  Meaning that there was a small piece on two chromosomes that were flipped.  I didn't have an extra chromosome or a missing piece, but just that small difference when combined with my husbands chromosomes made an unbalanced baby and therefore not able to survive.  At first I was sad and then I realized this is good news.  We found the problem and could therefore come up with a solution.  Little did I know the solution was a $20k IVF procedure. 

The next year we met with all kinds of RE's, dealt with insurance, borrowed money, charged credit cards, and ultimately drained a lot of our savings in order to make our dream of becoming a family a reality.  So after almost two years of trying there we were injecting me with giant needles and traveling to hundreds of appointments, being told that we could hope, but that also we needed to prepare for the worst.  I had a hard time doing that.  I had lots of hope.  I didn't want to think of failure, so I didn't.  Thinking positively was the only way this was going to work.  We only had funds for this to work one time and if I was ever going think positive in my lifetime this was the time and the place to do it.  I remember listening to me RE go on again about the odds of it not working and I grabbed her hand, looked into her eyes, and said, "It's going to work." 

On the day of transfer (the day they put the fertilized eggs back in me) we were so excited and I was so happy that we were one step closer to getting our baby.  The Valium they gave me probably helped with that feeling too :)  I will never forget this moment for as long as I live, but we watched as they put two shooting stars into me.  It was the most magical and beautiful moment of my life.  We had the privilege to see the moment they became connected to us.  My husband and I held hands and he whispered to me, "there they are."  What an amazing thing to witness. 

Then came the dreaded two week wait.  We were told not to test before our blood test.  Yeah right!  I was not an impatient person obviously and now I was told to wait again?!  Hell no!  So after one and a half weeks I bought a $10 test and waited the three minutes.  BAM....TWO BEAUTIFUL PINK LINES!  I was overjoyed.  I knew this was it.  I knew, I just knew it!  So as the rest of the story unfolds we learned that both embryos took and we were expecting fraternal twin boys.  Our family would be here in nine short months.

So, there you have it.  I've unveiled our journey and have no shame in how we got there.  Like, I said they are miracles whether science was used or not, but I do believe that a little something extra helped us achieve our family.  I hope some of you find this post helpful and maybe even a little hopeful.  It doesn't matter if your children come to you through IVF, or adoption, or even by surrogacy.  They are amazing and true indicators that there are miracles out there.  Happy Holidays from my family to yours.